come in, the door is open....

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What has this blog got to do with Clay Aiken? If you haven't read his book "Learning to Sing" it is highly recommended for all ages.

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Not long ago a casual acquaintance asked me if I ever heard of "cyber bullies". This lady is not using a computer, and asked me as I do occasional things for her on mine. She told me her granddaughter in university was upset by being bullied on-line, and the lady was confused by this. She thought bullies were only physical beings in elementary school or maybe gangs. I compiled the following information and printed it out for her. She admitted to living a very sheltered life and was horrified that things like this were done. What could I say, other than I see it every day on the internet no matter how much I try not to and have learned to quickly pass it by.

What is bullying?

Bullying is persistent unwelcome behaviour, mostly using unwarranted or invalid criticism, nit-picking, fault-finding, also exclusion, isolation, being singled out and treated differently, being shouted at, humiliated, excessive monitoring, having verbal and written warnings imposed, and much more.

History is full of stories about the bullies of their times. Why? How do children learn this despicable act? They learn it from their parents and peers. Unfortunately this bad behavior has spread with the advent of the internet. People both young and old seem to get a kick out of being rude and disrespectful. It's sad.

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Adult cyber bullies are referred to as cyber stalkers

The Internet provides the perfect forum for cyberbullies, individuals whose aim is to gain gratification from the distress caused by provoking and tormenting others.

The anonymity, ease of provocation, and almost infinite source of targets means the Internet is full of predators from pedophiles targeting children to serial bullies targeting ... anybody.

Cyberbullies get a perverse sense of satisfaction (called gratification) doing this. Serial bullies harbour a lot of internal aggression which they direct at others.

This may include projection, false criticism and patronising sarcasm whilst contributing nothing of any value. In every case it's a fabrication or a distortion - usually the former. The purpose of this tactic is to wind people up. Don't be fooled into believing it has any validity - it doesn't.

People who bully are adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise pool negative information about them.

The method of creating conflict is provocation which bullies delight in because they know they can always coerce at least one person to respond in a manner which can then be distorted and used to further flame and inflame people. And so it goes on.

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The bully then sits back and gains gratification from seeing others engage in destructive behaviour towards each other. This is known as trolling. Most serial bullies are also serial attention-seekers. More than anything else they want attention. It doesn't matter what type of attention they get, positive or negative, as long as they can provoke someone into paying them attention.

It's like a 2-year-old child throwing a tantrum to get attention from a parent. The best way to treat bullies is to refuse to respond and to refuse to engage them - which they really hate.

In other words, do not reply to their postings, and on forums carry on posting without reference to their postings as if they didn't exist. In other words, treat nobodies as nobodies.

The anger of a serial bully is especially apparent when they come across someone who can see through them to espy the weak, inadequate, immature, dysfunctional aggressive individual behind the mask.

The objectives of bullies are Power, Control, Domination, Subjugation. They get a kick out of seeing you react.

It doesn't matter how you react, the fact they've successful provoked a reaction is, to the bully, a sign that their attempt at control have been successful.

After that, it's a question of wearing you down. The more your try to explain, negotiate, conciliate, etc the more gratification they obtain from your increasingly desperate attempts to communicate with them.

Understand that it is not possible to communicate in a mature adult manner with a disordered individual.

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Dealing with Cyber bullies/stalkers

• Don't respond and don't engage. This is not as easy to do as it sounds. It's a natural response to want to defend yourself, and to put the person right.

• Never argue with a serial bully; it's not a mature adult discussion, but like dealing with a child or immature teenager; whilst the serial bully may be an adult on the outside, on the inside they are like a child who's never grown up - and probably never will.

• The provoker watches, waits and stirs the pot with the occasional additional provocation. In this context, gratification is a perverse form of satisfaction akin to, but distinct from, pleasure.

• When people use bullying behaviours they project their own weaknesses, failings and shortcomings on to others. Refusing to respond and engage will result in the cyberbully losing interest and moving on.

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On to a nicer topic -- Can Clay Aiken sing country? You bet he can! I love songs on his early demo recordings, a number of which are country.

This montage is for Clay's I'm Not Supposed to Love You Any More from the demo LWLHD

I'm Not Supposed to Love You Any More

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Watch the montage at my full blog:

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Clay-The MAN-Blogspot

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Thank you for your support and comments.

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Ashes :)