My ruminations on Clive Davis through the years, all in one place.

(-from March 5, 2006-)

"The Crank Call"

...a recently intercepted phone call at RCA...

Crank Caller: What do you call a music company executive with half a brain? Gifted.

Clive: I told you to stop calling me here.

Crank Caller: What's the difference between a music company executive and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Clive: I totally recognize your voice, you know.

Crank Caller: What's the least used sentence in the English language?

Clive: sigh What?

Crank Caller: "Clive Davis' covers selections don't make people puke."

Clive: And to think I was being kinder and gentler with you.

Crank Caller: What's the difference between a kinder gentler Clive Davis, and a chainsaw?

Clive: I don't know.

Crank Caller: The exhaust.

Clive: What's the difference between you, after I rewrite your contract and you get run over by a bus... and a dead squirrel in the middle of the road?

Crank Caller: You tell me.

Clive: The squirrel was on it's way to a gig.

Crank Caller: Zinger!

Clive: I've got more. Why does Clay Aiken walk all over the stage when he sings? To get away from the noise.

Crank Caller: OUCH! How can Clay Aiken tell when the stage is level? When Clive Davis is sitting in the audience and drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Clive: I see Clay Aiken talks about himself in the third person now.

Crank Caller: He does not!

Clive: Look, I'm in the middle of a meeting right now.

Crank Caller: Was this on speaker phone?

Clive: Unfortunately.

Crank Caller: Good. My work here is done then. Bye.

Clive: Later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(-from February 16, 2006-)

"An Artsy Fartsy Allegory"

...In the RCA Building recently, Clive Davis was riding alone in an elevator when the door opened and in stepped Clay Aiken. The two maintained a very uneasy silence for several seconds until...

Clive: You've lost that new car smell.

Clay: What do you mean by tha- oh my GOD! Why didn't you tell me to pull your finger first? You need to warn people.

Clive: I don't know what you're talking about. That wasn't me.

Clay: I didn't do it!

Clive: Yes you did.

Clay: Oh no. I'm not taking the rap for this.

Clive: I'm not going to argue with you.

Clay: Look, when there's only two people in an elevator and one of them farts, they BOTH know who did it.

Clive: It wasn't me.

Clay: [stares accusingly]

Clive: Young man, I. did. not. pass. gas. in. this. elevator.

Clay: [mimicking Clinton] I. did. not. have. sex. with. that. woman.

Clive: Cut that out.

Clay: HaHa, I think you already took care of that. But I'm not the one who killed the canary. [hits the elevator STOP button]

Clive: What are you doing?

Clay: I'm not letting those doors open until this goes away.

Clive: That's ridiculous! I have a meeting to go to.

Clay: I have a reputation to protect, no thanks to you. And why don't you think about the innocent victims on the other side of the door?

Clive: You're being foolish, no one is going to care. Now open that door.

Clay: I will not. I guess you're just going to have to suck it up. Hehehehe.

Clive: You think you're funny. A real gut buster.

Clay: Better than being a butt guster.

Clive: Well I'll tell everyone it was you.

Clay: And I'll tell everyone it was you.

Clive: And who will they believe?

Clay: You really want to find that out?

Clive: We could blame it on someone who got off before us.

Clay: That's not going to work. And I don't think either of us wants this kind of publicity.

Clive: Once again, you're really testing my patience.

Clay: Well you should be used to it then.

[several moments of uncomfortable silence]

Clive: I was right.

Clay: What about?

Clive: I was just thinking about what an utter asshole you've become.

Clay: Jinx!

Clive: Of all days for you not to have your g*ddammed dog with you.

Clay: You wish. Only hers don't smell half this bad.

Clive: You know, your own ones never smell as bad to you, maybe they were yours.

Clay: [scrunches up his face] ... Whoa. Again?

Clive: Light a match.

Clay: And blow us all to kingdom come? You know, maybe you should see a doctor, this could be a sign of -

Clive: Don't you dare give me that "rotten insides" diatribe again!

[more uncomfortable silence]

Clay: Is this a staring contest now? Blink once for yes -

Clive: I can make you open that door.

Clay: Really? How? No wait!

... some muffled staccato popping sounds and signs of struggle can be heard behind the closed doors, but the elevator once again starts to move...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(-from October 17, 2003-)

"Balls"

...In a secret meeting not long ago (one that even TIME Magazine didn't know about), Clay met with Clive Davis about his album. It went something like this...

Clive: Clayton, if you want to beat 50 Cent in sales, you're going to have to put some balls into the songs.

Clay: You mean like say the word "balls"?

Clive: No. Sing about, you know, f*cking.

Clay: I can't do that, Sir.

Clive: You want to break 972K the first week or not?

Clay: More than anything, Mr. Davis.

Clive: Say "f*cking".

Clay: Bumping fuzzies.

Clive: F*cking.

Clay: Richard Meets Kitty.

Clive: F*cking.

Clay: Visit the Netherlands.

Clive: F*ck.

Clay: Put the bee in the hive.

Clive: F*CK!

Clay: Exchange bodily fluids.

Clive: Fckity fck f*ck.

Clay: Bury the baby leg.

Clive: F-*-c-k.

Clay: Makin' bacon. Hey - makin' Aiken!

Clive: Don't be a smart ass, young man. How many of these do you know?

Clay: I could go all day, sir.

Clive: Aw f*ck.

Clay: Do the nasty.

Clive: No, I'm done arguing now.

Clay: Make the beast with two backs.

Clive: No, I'm finished with the discussion.

Clay: Go at it hammer and tongs.

Clive: Shut up.

Clay: Put some beef in the taco.

Clive: Clay?

Clay: Feed the kitty AND give the dog a bone.

Clive: Stop it. Right now.

Clay: Go like a rat up the drainpipe.

Clive: Shut. Up.

Clay: Impale someone.

Clive: {hands on head, head on table}

Clay: Roughin' up the suspect... wink wink nudge nudge... the old In Out.... DO THE NASTAY!

Clive: {whimpers}

Clay: backseat mambo... hide the salami... lay some pipe.

Clive: OKAY! You win.

Clay: You sure? 'Cos I don't want to have to boink you up.

Clive: Yes I'm sure, you insufferable brat.

Clay: Thank you, Mr. Davis, you won't be sorry.

Clay: Thank you.

Clive: Do you think you could do me a favor?

Clay: Of course.

Clive: I need some help on Ruben's song lyrics. There is no light at the end of the tunnel and I'm running out of time.

Clay: I'd be glad to help get that train through the tunnel.

Clive: Clay!

Clay: Sorry sir.

Clive: Let's get to work. And stop playing with your food.

Clay: Just getting into the right mindset. Okay I'm ready.

... and the rest is history