10/25/08 Update:

update 10/25/08

I seldom come by here anymore so I would appreciate it if people would not leave comments. Many people seem to be making certain assumptions about what I think that are false. I wish to state in the strongest terms possible that I still think Clay is a fine man and a fine artist. I understand why he chose to keep his private life private. The views on parentingI expressed in my last essay remain the same and are without regard to Clay's orientation. The comments were written prior to that announcement.

I stepped away from active posting before he made the announcement about his sexual orientation and it has nothing to do with that. My reasons are as follows: I don't want to be the fan that is so wrapped up in the private life of a celebrity. I also have many real life challenges to deal with at this time. That's it.

Original entry: First, let me wish Clay, Jaymes and their son every joy that life has to offer. I have asked for God’s blessing for them all. If this is what Clay needs to be happy, then so be it. Despite my misgivings about the way they went about it, I truly wish them well. Life is too hard and too short to waste time doing otherwise.

Now, I have something to say for myself and for any other fans who may be struggling to deal with this latest turn of events. I understand. I have passed the summer trying to avoid speculation and gossip over conflicting details from unreliable media sources about someone else’s personal business. With Clay’s recent announcement of the birth of the child, I have decided at long last to speak for two reasons. First, there is something very public about creating a child and there is a social impact on society at large. The way we go about creating our families says something about us. Second, whatever the truth is behind the sparse, publicly presented details, I am left to cope with my feelings about the way things look from here. I will emphasize here that the details of conception, no matter how it came about or the friends vs. lovers issue is not relevant to me at all.

Five years ago, I heard the most amazing voice that by some magical mystery was also attached to a very sweet young college boy. He was a true southern gentleman, a Christian with good manners and high moral principles. I watched in amazement as his once in a generation talent unfolded itself. I was moved to tears by the personal story he shared about his life. I was delighted and in awe of his kindness, his decency and his philanthropy. I just loved that he was very open about his allergies, phobias, spiritual beliefs and opinions. He had the moral courage to live his life in spite of what others might say. He seemed like he was the boy next door, your brother, nephew, son, boyfriend. He was the geek who triumphed. Clay seemed to be the embodiment of the ideal man. He was the loving and protective son. He was the caring older brother. He was the man who stood tallest when he stooped to help a child. He was described as “a gift” by those who knew him when. He was the celebrity who would stand up for traditional values and wouldn’t go Hollyweird on us. In short, he became, for me, a sort of folk hero for the masses.

Five years later, we see a different man. He is older and more experienced. He has grown and matured, as we would have expected him to do. He is making his way in the world. Now we have this latest turn of events. We aren’t talking about a bank robbery or a murder. We are only talking about the birth of a child, a joyous and miraculous event. And now comes my confession. I felt stunned, shocked and saddened. My hero wasn’t who I thought he was. I always knew that my image of him was to some degree pretend because I could only know the public image of the man and not the real Clay. I had to rely on the publicly presented Clay for my sense of who he was. Now, I have to accept that he is a mere mortal after all. (No, I don’t mean that I ever thought he walked on water.)

It is ironic to me that the very thing that may have given both Clay and Jaymes a dose of real joy and happiness in their lives has caused me so much sadness. I don’t know either one of them or what the reasons for their decision really are. All I have to react to is what I suspect was a deliberate leak of some vague tabloid information and the minimalist confirmation from Clay. I have always said that Clay never owed me anything but a good performance if I bought a ticket but I still can’t help but feel really disappointed. I miss my pretend hero.

I guess my sadness comes from two sources. One is that Clay was the hero for us regular people. I wanted to see him get married and be the good Christian husband and father. He was the role model for other young men like my son. I didn’t necessarily put that burden on him. He seemed to take that role model job for himself based on his past actions and statements. The other reason I am sad is that I had come to care very much about him. I wanted the very best for him in terms of personal joy and happiness. I wanted him to have that wife and family of his own. Despite what some have said, a good friendship is not the best foundation to be parents or even the most significant relationship we can form. Marriage is. It is far more than the moral approval of a sexual relationship. It is the joining of two people as one. It is the strongest basis for families and society. When nurtured and developed, a marriage grows in strength. It is the best thing I have ever seen that could help two people stand up to the rigors and difficulties of life, including raising children. I know these words are true because I have seen this in my parents’ marriage of over 50 years, my own marriage of 28 years and in all the extended families and marriages of friends around me. I have lived with the strengthening bond that grows between a man and a woman over time. My husband is the person that I can truly share life’s greatest joys and deepest sorrows with. The words: “for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health” mean something to me because I have lived it all. For example, I am spending a lot of time attending to the needs of my young adult children who are in that difficult transition to independent life. I am caring for my aging parents who are much closer to the end of their lives. I am my husband’s friend, partner in life and lover. Marriage is the best way to pass on these values and the strongest position to take on these challenges. If this bond was not one of the deepest and most important ones we form, why would divorce feel so much like a death? Friendship is friendship and marriage is marriage. They are not the same thing. I am not even going to address the age difference issue, even though I am close in age to Jaymes and I do have some perspective on that subject. I am sad that Clay seemed to settle for a situation that is second best even though, admittedly, I don’t know all of his reasons. It all just feels so awkward and incomplete. As it is for all new parents, it will take Clay and Jaymes a lifetime to understand the full impact of what they have undertaken.

There will be those of you who think I am being judgmental. I certainly AM applying value judgments and standards that I have acquired from both religion, society and a lifetime of living as a wife and mother of three. To do anything less is to have no standards or values at all and thus society and families are weakened. I am NOT being judgmental in the pejorative sense that I am damning anyone to hell, hating others or feeling that I am somehow a morally superior being. Heaven knows that I am as flawed as the next person or parent. I don’t even have all the facts about why he made this choice. I am just reacting to the way things appear on the surface. I know that all families are not made of husbands and wives in the house with a dog and a white picket fence. I am not shaming or scolding. I am grieving and hoping for people to see that there is a better way to do things that brings more of the strength, comfort and stability that we need to care for each other and raise our children. In a world, especially among celebrities, where marriage seems like an after thought, I was hoping that Clay would both set an example and gain all of the joys and benefits there from. I guess I will have to be content with the fact that God loves them, blesses them and may yet do great things through them. I thank my friend Janet for reminding me of that.

Are you ready for the twist at the end? Ultimately, it is not Clay’s actions that have caused me to turn in my passport and become the latest expatriate of the Clay Nation. I have had to take a long hard look at myself. It is one thing to be a middle aged fan of a pop star half my age and another thing entirely to find myself being so sad over the personal life choices of two complete strangers who don’t have to justify those decisions to me. If you think I need to get a life, I AGREE with you. It is just time for me to get real and get some perspective. I think it is better to just step away and let them live their lives and I will live mine. I am truly going to make an effort to just be happy for him.

It has been an incredible five years. I thank Clay from the bottom of my heart for everything he has given me in terms of friends, travel, great music, computer skills and especially a sense of being comforted and uplifted by his voice in a way I never thought possible. I also wish all of my friends that I have made because of Clay the very best.

P.S. Housekeeping note: I would caution you all to remember that I have only used the screen name of Galadriel at a few Clay fan boards. There are many Galadriel’s on the net and most of them are NOT me. I will not be using this screen name in the future. It is just a part of leaving all this behind. I do not intend to return unless I can hear that voice that just gets inside my soul without feeling a sense of sadness. I have already moved my clack to what passes for the hinterlands of my computer and put my other Clay stuff in a box in the back of my closet. I seem to have lost my equilibrium. For awhile, I will be lurking here. After all, I did pay for the membership and I am not good at going cold turkey. I also need time to remove my older blog entries. I have no intention of leaving them here though I will not delete any of your comments. If you see me here, it is because I am working on those goals. Then, I will be off in search of my senses. Wish me luck.