The Jemocks are having a little kitchen remodeling done - - a new cooktop and new wall ovens. We needed to also have a little bit of cabinetry work done prior to installing the ovens, so we called our contractor and he sent out the carpenter to take a look. We've used this particular carpenter before, too--a real nice guy, very country, very Texas-y, very down to earth.

He was parked at the curb in his truck when we got home from work, so I went into the house and let the dogs out while Mr. Jemock greeted him and brought him through the front door a minute or two after me. I went up to greet him and said "Hey, how ar........sniff**sniff EEE YOU shifty eyes DOINTODAY tentative sniff through one nostril. He was all "I"m good, your Christmas trees look real pretty and the front door turned out nice blah blah blah blah" and I was looking at him, making eye contact, but my brain was flying around him like a cartoon beagle sniffing him up and down and trying to figure out what that somewhat familiar and not altogether pleasant aroma was eminating from the carpeter's plaid wool jacket and overalls.

I kept nodding my head to whatever it was he was saying, and I didn't trust myself to respond because if I had the only words that could possibly have come out of my mouth were "OMG WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!?!?!"

So instead of doing that, which in some circles might be considered RUDE, I walked with him over to our kitchen and proceeded to show him the blueprint thingy for the oven. My eyes and nose tried to run off my face in protest, but I didn't let them. I suddenly became a mouth-breather, a heavy mouth-breather, and I hope I didn't send any mixed messages with my dewey eyes and panting.

Anyway, he walks around measuring stuff and lifting his arms high and wide and creating all kinds of aromatic air currents, sort of like when they do those fancy designs with creamer in coffee? You know, hearts and smiley faces and whatnot. Well, this was sort of like that, except it was stink waves and you wouldn't want to drink it.

He's such a nice guy that I tried to discretely gasp for air while breathing through the turtleneck of my sweater, like Mortimer from Bazooka Joe.

I finally had to grab a couple of Viva paper towels to mop down my face and wring my weeping eyes out, and Mr. Carpenter Man may have finally notice our lack of respiratory activity since his arrival. Here is the conversation that ensued:

Mr. Carpenter Man: hold sides of jacket out, flapping them like wings "Hey, I don't smell like a SKUNK do I?

Jemock's Inner Voice: "HOOOOLLLLLLEEEEEE SHI............THAT'S THE SMELL!?!?!?

Mr. Jemock: I don't smell anything.

Mr. Carpenter Man: "Well, my dog got aholt of a big 'old SKUNK in my yard just before I came over here, and I had to shoot it and I think it sprayed me a little. I know it got my dog real good cause I smelt it on him when I carried him back inside tha house."

Jemock's Outer Voice: Ohnoyousmellfinedon'tworry gaaaaasssssp for breath aboutithowmuchisitgoingtocost gaaaaaSSSSP Ineedtogogetreadryforthepartyokbyethanx".

He left a couple of minutes later, and I watched until he drove down the street before I dragged out every can of Glade, Lysol spray, 38 different flavors of Yankee Candle and attempted to put the atmosphere back in its proper scentitude. I Febreezed the dogs. I Febreezed Mr. Jemock. I Febreezed the Christmas trees. The dogs thought they had moved to Lion Country Safari when they came back inside. They were pretty excited about our new aromatherapy selection.

I had to stop doing all that and go get ready for a Christmas party in an hour. I ran to the back of the house and shut the double doors that separate that part from the living part, and there was breathable air back there, thank God. I got a quick shower, changed, and when I went back out I could still smell it.

I ran back behind the double doors to formulate a plan. I knew the stink air molecules were still all stirred up out there, and I was afraid some of them would stick to me when I walked through. Should I stay low to the ground, like in a fire? Should I walk slowly as to not disrupt the stink current? Should I run through quickly?

I buttoned my velvet jacket, stepped through the doors, and walked quickly and sideways through the room. I don't know why I decided on that method--I guess it was instinctive.

Nobody cried at the Christmas party when I stood close to them, so I think I smelled ok. When we got back home, I sprayed some more, aired out the cushions, Febreezed the dogs again, and lit some more candles. I was finally feeling pretty good about it when I went to bed.

The next day, Jemockette came over to the house after school to steal some of our dvds, er I mean "borrow without ever bringing back", and she called me at work to let me know she was there:

Jemock: Hello Jemockette: Mom, what is that smell in here? Jemock: You don't want to know. Febreeze the dogs and the trees and try not to breathe. Jemockette: Ok. I'm taking some movies to watch. Jemock: K.

Would it be wrong of me to inquire on the health of all area wildlife before I let Mr. Carpenter Man back inside the house? Would it be rude if I Febreezed him before he came in? Amy Vanderbilt doesn't seem to cover this topic in her book.

sniff. I think I still smell it.