Albatross: “Spud got an albatross on that back nine dogleg.“ These are big white birds that like to fly around salmon boats and golf courses. It’s bad luck to hit one with a golf ball. This is why you hear golfers yelling “FOUR!!” That means somebody hit a whole slew of them, which means that golfer is pretty much screwed out of the big money that day, because it‘s a three stoke penalty for each one. An albatross is also a figure of speech that means a burden that people carry, such as hitting innocent albatrosses with golf balls. If Clay accidentally hit an albatross with a golf ball, or even a shotgun blast, it wouldn’t be his fault, though. The albatross probably had it coming.

Ball-marker: “Hoo boy! That was a ball-marker for sure, Larry. That’s gonna leave a mark.“ “Ball-markers” are golf putts gone bad. This is why smart golfers wear groinal-area protective undergarments.

Ball washer: Outdoor stations for freshening up. Golf balls.

Birdie: A diversionary tactic. “Oh look Dwayne! A birdie!”. If Dwayne falls for it, he gets penalized one stroke.

Bogey: Named for Humphrey Bogart, this is the cup on each hole that is marked with a flag that is used for depositing cigarette butts and beer bottle caps. It sometimes has golf balls in it.

Caddy: This is one of the brand names of golf carts used, short for “Cadillac”.

Chip: An overpriced potato-based snack served in the Clubhouse Bar and Grille.

Divot: This is the position of the left leg while swinging a golf bat. It’s pronounced “di-VO” with a silent “t”. Impress your golfing friends with this bit of knowledge.

Gallery: This is where all the player’s pictures are hung. If Clay was playing, they’d have to put his in a separate room, because so many people would be there looking at it. They would probably charge admission.

Green: Clay’s favorite color. Also the color of his eyes. Golfers love to talk about Clay’s eyes.

Hazard: If Clay was playing, hazards would include mint, chocolate, tree nuts, water, cats, Mexican food, helicopter rotors, high stages, Kelly Clarkson’s rug, and whatever it was that gave him the scar on his chin. Regular golfers are apparently scared of sand.

Hole in one. When you get the golf ball in the bogey cup with one whack and it doesn‘t bounce off anything and no wildlife is killed. Then you get to yank the yellow flag out and do a victory gallop around the parking lot and claim your prize coupons at the snack bar.