"RALEIGH– DIARRHEA OF A DOPEY CLUPPY October 7

Dear Diarrhea,

I am very dumb. I am so dumb I should just become a cat, that's how dumb I am. I am really, really mean to Durham and that's why My Clay loves Durham MUCH MUCH MUCH BETTER than me!!! Coss I'm dumb and mean and..."

Raleigh: What are you doing??

Durham: (startled and guilty) Nuthin'.

Raleigh: Are you doing a Dear Diary?

Durham: Me?? No! Ummm...it's...ummmmm…

Raleigh: You are, too, ya little jerk!

Durham: I'm NOT little!! I'm almost as big as you...well, I would be, if you weren't so FAT…

Raleigh: Take that back!! I am NOT fat!! I'm fluffy, that's all!

Durham: FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT...

Raleigh: GRRRRR...TAKE IT BACK!!!

Durham: FATFATFATFATFATFAT...

Raleigh: GRRRR...I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!

They begin furiously fighting.

Clay: (running [as best he can] into the room) HEY!! WHAT'S GOIN' ON?? STOP IT!! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!! RALEIGH AND DURHAM!! STOP THAT, YA HEAR??!! (he smacks a rolled-up newspaper onto the floor next to them and the dogs scatter, panting)

Raleigh: Woof Woof WOOF!! (Translation: He started it!!)

Durham: Ruhhhf, Rrrrrruff RRRRUFFF!!! (Translation: Did not!! Raleigh's a dumb ol' FAT poopy butt!!!)

Raleigh: WOOF WOOF WOOF!!!!! (Translation: I do NOT have a poopy butt!! Take it back right now!!!)

Durham: Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff RUFF!! (Translation: Poopy Butt! Poopy Butt! Poopy Butt!!!!)

Raleigh: WOO-WOO-WOOF-WOOF-WOOF!!!!! (Translation: Did you HEAR that, My Clay?? Punish him!! Punish him right now!! Throw him out the window!!)

Clay: Now that's ENOUGH barkin'!! GOOD-ness! What is WRONG with the two-a you?? WAH can't ya get along, huh?? Ah don't wanna separate you two but Ah'm gonna have ta if ya don't stop this nonsense!

Raleigh: woof... (Translation: It's HIS fault...)

Durham: RUFF!!! (Translation: Is NOT!!!)

Clay: HEY! What'd Ah just say?? Ah told ya ta stop! Lord!! Ya'd think Ah was talkin' to mahself!

Durham: sneeze (Translation: Ya mean you're not?)

Raleigh: snort (Translation: Heee!!!)

Durham: (encouraged) whine (Translation: Yap, yap, yap. Just like a Sheltie.)

Raleigh: snort (Translation: HA HA!! No kidding! He's pretty cute, though, isn't he? For a human, anyway. Hey -- wanna go watch out the window for squirrels?)

Durham: Ruff!! (Translation: I got a better idea. My Clay just got a new pair of shoes...)

Raleigh: Woof!! (Translation: OOOOO...good idea, li'l bro!! I get the strings!!)

They bound off, knocking into each other as they run.

Clay: Lookit that – all better! Am Ah an expert mediator, or what? HA HA!! With those kinda mad diplomatic skillz, Ah oughta be workin' for the United Nations! (thinks) ...Or doin' Larry King's job. How much longer can he last, anyway? Of course, that's what Ah thought about Clive too, and he'll prob'ly be around till 2052 at the rate he's goin'. (frowns) Great. By that time Ah'll've just about plowed through the en-tire Celine Dion catalog. Hmm...Ah wonder if it would be morally wrong to have Jerome pay a little visit to Larry King?

huge thunder clap overhead

Clay: (looking skyward) Aww, come on, Lord! Ah was just kiddin'!! (under his breath) Sorta.

Copyright © 2006 Jude. All rights reserved.