You know that decision I mentioned in my last blog entry. Well...I struggled with that decision for over a week. Prayed on it and asked for an answer. Do I drop the whole thing and be grateful I'm just alive or do I try to find another way to add some quality to my life for the next couple of years?

Guess what. The answer came.

I needed the answer by last Friday. I left work on Thursday evening still not having any idea what to do. Then I met two old friends for dinner.

I told them as soon as we sat down in the restaurant that I needed to make a decision and needed help. I told them I prayed about it and still had no answer and that they must hold the answer for me.

Jenn turned to me and said "What would you tell MaryLou to do if it were she in your position."

Decision made.

Easy, huh?!

Why do I always make things so hard for myself....

So, anyway, I kept the insurance I had and I asked one of my co-workers on the way out of the office today to please remind me tomorrow to make a decision about whether I want to go to Sloan Kettering, Fox Chase or the Univ of Pennsylvania...all an easy drive.

I do know that I can't continue to live like I am for the next five years. There has got to be a better option out there somewhere.

I described it to a friend today as a rock sitting on top of my brain. I am unable to think or process. My brain feels weighted and I can't escape it...hence, I am always close to tears.

I have NEVER ever, not for a single day in my life...felt like this.

Would a vacation help? Would a week of sleep help? Would a Clay concert help? Would seeing my kids and spending some time with them help?

Honestly no. Not any of it. I would go away and it would just be an escape...probably what people with addictions do...escape into drugs or alcohol or whatever. That's what doing something different would feel like for me right now. Just temporary. With reality still hanging over me.

I feel like such a downer when I write this stuff or talk about it to people. Its not what I'm about.

I'm usually pretty spontaneous and open to just about anything...within reason. But not now.

I have Seasons One and Two of The Office on DVD...thanks to a couple of good friends. It's the most hysterical thing I have ever seen. I laugh out loud when I watch it and it feels good to laugh. So, I'm off to watch The Office because watching those AI auditions tonight were pretty darn pathetic. Can't even believe I watched them. :(

And I have my fingers crossed that I just might get a few hours of sleep tonight.