I would've never thought on that October day, when we found out that our own golden boy would be heading to Broadway, that reading the recaps about what I considered was the most exciting thing that could possibly happen to him, would hurt so freaking much.

I go through the thread, I need to know, I want to know... about the Knights That Say NI and their funny new additions, about the stage door crowds... I wanna know as much as I can regarding what's going on around my love.

But, as I am attempting to read, my eyes get too wet to continue, the water won't let me see, and as I wipe the tears off my face and watch some of them make their way to my lap, rolling down my cheeks, I wonder if it is OK to feel like this.

Wasn't I supposed to be happy, thrilled, ecstatic??? This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Clay and I should be proud of him and glad.

And then, come think of it, I am feeling all those things too.

So my mood isn't so much "confused" as it is "bittersweet", but we don't have that one... yet ;-)

Not only because, as happy as I am for our own shining star and the new horizons opening up before him, I also feel sad that I can't be there to share with him and my fellow Claymates, and hell! that I can't be there to give myself a treat and enjoy that show as I am sure I wouldn't enjoy anything else.

But it's also bittersweet because, after all these years of wondering why the world couldn't see, hear, feel, what WE have always seen, heard, felt, now the time has come when the world will finally see, hear, feel. And as much joy as that brings to my heart, knowing that OMC will gain new admirers and also knowing that these new folks will gain something that for so long only WE had known and understood, it also makes me shiver with fear.

And maybe, even being as young as I am, I feel a little like a mother to him... after all, haven't I watched him grow for the past five years?, haven't I watched him fall so many times and wished I could be next to him reaching out my hand to help him stand again?, haven't we all held him up when he couldn't on his own, when everyone else was ripping him into pieces, when nobody else comprehended all the love we had for him, all the support we would never deny?

So yes, WE are ALL his mothers, younger, older, women, men, near, far. In our own ways, we have all tried to take care of him the best we could, to protect him and keep him safe.

So now, as adorable as it may be to see him spread his big white angelic wings, as proud as we may feel inside to watch him stand tall on his own, as sure as we may be that he won't fall anymore when walking without our hands, it is still so hard to let go.

And as beautiful as it is to welcome new members to the family, and as exciting as it is to look forward to showing them the way and filling them in with all those little details that make this community so special, so that they will feel part as we do, it also hurts a little bit to know that many of the NJU will no longer be NJU, but actually become a part of the "US".

And even though it is what we have been waiting for, that the rest would someday finally understand us so that we would stop being the "crazy" ones, THAT was what made us feel like we knew this sort of secret they didn't and would never know.

This is why I can't help weeping and shaking when I look ahead and see this may not be so anymore. Now it looks like they could soon know our little secret, that they could, perhaps, finally understand.

And after all this time of complaining about the miscomprehension, I wonder if I truly want to be understood.

Remember that toy or doll or top or pair of shoes or anything that you liked but everyone you knew thought it was horrible so that made you love it even more and it made you feel so special that you were the only one liking it?

Well then there was always somebody that somehow started to like it too, and wanted one too, and wanted to do with it everything you did with yours. And that didn't make you love it any less but, on the contrary, even more so, and you held on tight to it and wouldn't want to share it...

Well that's a lot like how I feel right now. After all that time of wondering how people didn't understand what I loved so much about this dorky kid, after all that time spent trying to explain them, trying to make them open their eyes, now that they may... hmmmm... I don't know if I'm ready to share.

I know, how selfish am I, huh?

Don't worry. I'm not really. But it happens sometimes. I'm sure it will go away soon, but I had to tell you guys. If I don't tell you this stuff, who am I gonna tell?

And then I look at the image of his salute, OUR salute, and I feel well again.

He has not forgotten us. He never will.

SOOOOOOOO ON THE BRIGHT SIDE :D, look at the swarm of people waiting at the stage door on Saturday!

Thanks to farouche and ScrpKym.

Sooooooooooooo adorable!

And I guess these are probably some of the "new fans" that are causing so much controversy inside my head! LOL

Seriously, my weird feelings will wear off in time... LET'S HOPE THEY STICK AROUND! (the fans, not the feelings)

Just as WE came for the voice and stayed for the man, they might very well come for the INCREDIBLY AWESOMELY FREAKING HUGE TALENT and stay for the EVEN MORE FABULOUS, CARING, WONDERFUL man too!

Sorry for the blue blog (and I don't mean just the font color...)

Lots of Clove

YAMI