I should be sleeping but I'm not. Obvious huh? That's like when I call my g/f and she answers and I ask "Are you home?" Like a best friend should, she always laughs.

I'm tired - tired of not laughing and giggling and sharing all the fun things that this fandom is supposed to be about.

Clayton Holmes Aiken is the best, most awesome, funniest, sweetest, sexiest man I've ever not known.

He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he fills my heart with gladness, and fills my soul with the sounds I've wanted to hear my whole life.

I love his new CD and I listen to it whenever I have a chance. I wait impatiently for every TV appearance so I can see that gorgeous man and have him make me laugh and have him sing to me.

I'm tired of worrying - this is supposed to be the most exciting time since 2003 and I refuse to allow that to be stolen from me. I read all the theories about lost chances and poor planning, conspiracies and back-stabbing and though they're interesting, they're not what I want. What I have learned is that no one - not one single person knows for sure what's going on or, if they truly do, they're not telling.

The only ones who know are Clay, Team Clay and RCA. I'm not trying to read between the lines anymore. I watch Clay and I see a happy man. He said in one of his interviews that he can hide his "angst" but he looks happy to me and so I'm happy.

What will be will be and hopefully all will become clear in the months ahead. All I do feel strongly about is that for Clay, everything will be all right.

A talent like his will always survive and he will be here for as long as he wishes to be.

I was going to add that Clay "be true to yourself" but then I realized that he doesn't need anyone to tell him that - he knows. After all, that's what I love about him. He's always true to himself.

He is a treasure!