Why Cant I be Myself?

Why does everything have to be based on looks?

Looks arent anything at all.

Why do people make fun of me like that?

They say the harshest things

They make me feel small.

Why cant they be the ones feelings small and not me?

When I was little people made fun of me.

Is it because of my looks or is it the way I talk?

Or maybe it was the way I dressed.

These have been my questions for the past 10 years.

I try to be the better person and just ignore them now.

When I was in the second grade I didnt know what to say.

But, since Im a lot older now I would like to say things

How it made me a better person in life then ever.

Im still a stronger person sometimes.

But, when I got older to not having a dad around I got more depressed.

More depressed to try to kill myself sometimes.

I did do a lot of mistakes in the past that I regret now

I shouldnt have tried to kill myself for the dumbest reasons

Its because sometimes I feel like Im invisible

Like no one cares about me

The only time someone notices me is when I do something stupid or just like weird or odd things

Thats no way for attention at all

I feel like Im a ghost living in my apartment then being a normal person

I want to be a normal person and be recognized for who I am if that is possible

I thank my mom for trying to stop me from losing my life because of me being really depressed

But, I couldnt help that people were making in fun of me like my dad and sister

What comes around goes around is the right words to say to them if they would ever listen to me

My question to myself is why do I make these mistakes?

Well I make these mistakes because I am not being well loved at all

Not even to my so called friends who think Im a liar which Im not

Ive never lied in my life to any of my friends

Just because my friends dont believe in me or the truth I speak I lose a lot of friends

I always speak my mind a lot and would like to speak it right now

I want to ask the question now

Does anybody believe in me or the truth I speak?

All I want is for some of my so called friends to be friends with me again

So, we can all make up and be friends again

I dont want to have enemies just like my own father, who hasnt been there for me

I just want friends to be friends with me forever and ever again

The only person who loves me more and dearly is my mother

She has the same problems as I do

So, we know each other how we feel most of the time

I want this knife to come out of my heart now

Since, I cant take the pain no more

But, I cant help this depression which has token over me

I just want to feel happy for a change

Please God help me be healed so I can be myself again

Please no more pain ever again

By: Nichole Maria Del Toro AKA ClaysBabyGurl

Nikki #1 Northern NJ ClayMate