OMG. Clay's blogged three times in less than 24 hours. I guess that means I better get cracking.

It’s really easy to tell that Clay used to be a teacher; I learn something from him almost every day. This week, I’m learning how to fritter my money away playing the lottery invest my hard-earned money into windfall opportunities and translate those new found skills into fun and games at the Oh-ficial Fan Club.

Of course, like any good student, I believe in going the extra mile. It’s all about research and extra credit for me. Because Clay recommended using lottery playing skills in his contest, I first asked myself some important questions.

1. Had I ever won the lottery?

2. Did I know anyone who had ever won the lottery?

3. Did I have any idea how to win the lottery?

The answer to each of those questions was “NO!” That meant I needed to research, research, research. My first stop was Google. I know the Internet is a not a completely reliable source of information, but I figured for an Internet-based contest it was the best place to start. And I was right! I asked Google how to pick winning lottery numbers. In just 0.21 seconds, I was looking at results 1-10 of about 2,960,000. Wow. This was going to be easier than I thought!

I started slow. I liked this website, Understand Your Chances of Winning the Lottery in 5 Minutes Flat because it explained in five minutes flat what my chances are of winning the lottery. They’re pretty piss-poor, actually, and this website explains why in clear, simple language with helpful examples like my toast landing butter-side up or butter-side down on the carpet. Two loaves of bread and one carpet shampoo later, I was ready to move on.

After reading about 1,346,271 of my Google results, it became clear that this lottery-winning thing is tough – just like Clay said it was! But I was having fun. I read about the Delta Lotto System, the Keno System, and how to win Canadian lotteries (even though the Canadian members of the fan club can’t play I thought I should check just to be on the safe side). I learned you shouldn’t pick more than 2 numbers that are less than or equal to 12 although I can’t for the life of me remember why.

I even found this book:

It looked great. According to Amazon:

This book offers you insight into the key rules and strategies of gambling -- plus it unveils the secrets to help you beat the odds. You'll find plenty of tips and advice for dealing with the IRS, as well as minimizing losses and maximizing winnings.

Wow. I hadn’t even thought about how much the IRS might tax me for winning a phone call from Clay. What’s the tax rate on priceless memories?

I’ll save that for my next Google search. Meanwhile, I’m trying to figure out how to convert all of my new information into an alphabet-based lottery entry. Whew. All of this work, and I only have one surefire entry so far. Clay I Give Up