My three cesareans:

July 20th 1996 was my due date with my first child. I was 21 yrs. old. It was also my wedding day. It was a very small ceremony in our very small church.

My Dad was not there, he died suddenly on the first, from a brain aneurysm. This was a very difficult time for my family, & I was scared that I would go into labor early from the stress. That didn't happen, I was 42 wks when I had my last prenatal, & gladly went to the hospital for my induction afterwards.

A week before my appointment, I did start having contractions. I went into the hospital & had very painful vaginal exams & was told to go home. I was given morphine & sleeping pills. The contractions stopped, but I lost my mucus plug that night, most likely from the rough examinations.

At the hospital, the Dr. shows up four hrs. late & gives me cervidil. I go into labor quickly, & get an epidural. About 12 hrs. later I am complete & told to push.

My epidural has worn off, & the pain is immense! I feel no urge to push, but push with all my might anyway, the nurses know better, right? I am in a semi-sitting position with my feet in stirrups, pulling like crazy on the arm rails. Everyone is yelling, "Push Jackie, push!!" & Dave is counting to 10 with each contraction. I want to tell them all to shut up, but I don't.

One nurse gets a sheet & has me pull on it instead of the arm rails. I can't catch my breath & when a contraction stops, the pain doesn't go away.

Two hrs. later the Dr. shows up & tries forceps to no avail. "You need a c-section" is all I remember hearing. I look at my husband Dave, & his chin is trembling. I will never forget that look for as long as I live. They could see Julian's hair…I was about 2+ station when the medpros gave up on me. He was LOA, my pelvis was just too small.(that's what THEY said, not what I BELIEVE!)

They wheel me to the OR & up my epidural. What sweet relief!! Then the Dr. started cutting. "I can feel it!" I exclaim. They don't seem to believe me. Oh my God, I thought, I'm going to die of shock, I'm going to meet you today Jesus! Then I heard a snapping sound & my baby boy crying. "Where is he?" I ask. "Right there, look!" Dave says pointing. I turn to look & caught a quick, blurry glimpse of Julian, then they put me under.

My stay at the hospital wasn't too bad. I had one nurse who was so nice! I had trouble swallowing pills, so she would crush my pain meds & put them in vanilla ice cream. She would go off duty & the other nurses would give me a hard time about me not being able to swallow them.

I developed horrible gas pains…the other nurses complained that the whole floor could hear me moaning. They gave me tea & told me to walk. My abdomen hasn't been the same since. I still suffer attacks of severe pain with loose bowels. Hey, at least I have a healthy baby, right?

Recovery was fine, though I was confronted with feelings that seemed silly. I mourned the loss of my birth. All my life I was looking so forward to becoming a mommy & giving birth. My c/s was not a birth. It was a surgery. I had some info on the International Cesarean Awareness Network, & was comforted in knowing that I was not alone in my feelings regarding my birth. I wish I would of called them then. I didn't have a computer at the time to go to their website.

Two and a half yrs. later, in the summer of 1998, I was pregnant again. I was so excited!! I definitely wanted a vbac. I saw a different Dr. & she told me about one of her patients that had a uterine rupture & died right in front of her. I scheduled my repeat after that. I was scared as heck to try a vbac.

February 12th. 1999, my daughter Corinne was born. I was given a spinal this time. It took quite a few attempts for the anesthesiologist to get it in place. The lightening bolts of pain shooting down my legs were excruciating…tears were streaming down my face…the staff laughed gently as I relayed my fear of becoming paralyzed . Then the anesthesiologist realized I was sitting a little crooked. He remarked that an experience like that was humbling. Hmmm, glad I was the one to knock you off your pedestal! The spinal was finally in, but I still could feel too much. They put me under. Another lost birth.

I ended up with a hematoma that leaked old, orange blood. I had to wear a panty liner over my incision for almost a month! I hated my hospital stay. One nurse scowled at me when she changed Corinne's diaper. I was in so much pain, I couldn't get out of bed. Dave really had to encourage me to walk around…at the time it made me so mad that he wouldn't leave me alone.

Finally, I was sent home! I had to have my incision cleaned out & clots removed from it a couple weeks later. I had the horrible fear that my incision was going to come open & all of me would be on the floor. My OB reassured me, & held up a clot for me to see. I giggled & said "How gross!" He smiled & seemed glad I appreciated his wry sense of humor…which I certainly did. It set my mind at ease, that everything was going to heal just fine.

Before that when I had my staples removed, I asked the OB who did it what would happen if my incision did break open, she replied rudely "It'll come open!". As a Christian, maybe I shouldn't say this, but there are no other words that fit…she was a bitch. Plain & simple. She was the same OB that marched into my room the next morning after the cesarean, & demanded that I lie down, after so much effort trying to sit up to eat my breakfast. So while my breakfast got cold, & my stomach rumbled from the hunger, that witch RIPPED off the tape on my incision with no warning, while the resident OB looked on. They quickly left with no words spoken to me, & I'm left again lying down. Again, I slowly work my way up to a sitting position to eat my cold breakfast.

A month after my surgery I can finally join Dave in bed at night instead of sleeping on the couch sitting up. The huge bruise across my belly was finally fading.

Seven weeks after Corinne's birth, Dave had a vasectomy done. He always wanted just two kids. I wanted more, but I thought my body was broken, so I went along with it. My heart was broken as well.

July 2000. Dave & I were having the "I want another baby" discussion for the millionth time. This time though, he shocked me. "OK, I'll get it reversed." I started crying, jumping up & down & hugging him. I couldn't of been happier!!

March 12th. 2003, Dave had his vasectomy reversed. May 24th., I had two positive pregnancy tests on the kitchen counter for Dave when he came home from work. I was so happy, tears were falling like crazy, & Corinne says in her adorable 4yr. old voice, "What mommy? Do you have a baby in your tummy?"

I had a lot of work to do. I knew I was screwed out of my vbac with Corinne, the chance of a uterine rupture was less then 1%, but I was never told that!! Ironically enough, I learned that statistic from the TV show, "Birth Day". That show pisses me off too much now to watch it…

anyway, I started doing research on the computer. I joined the ICAN group…There should be no reason why I can't try for a vba2c, right? I was thrilled to learn that a vaginal birth after multiple cesareans was definitely an option.

I found an OB from a "Mother- friendly guide" that endorses the CIMS philosophy. I wasn't comfortable at the time for a homebirth, which might of been a good thing, if the "problem" I had with my amniotic fluid was true. I'm getting ahead of myself here though…

I liked my OB. She was going to allow me a trial of labor. I had to pick my battles though. I would have to have CFM, an I.V., & she brought up "going past 40wks." Grrrrrrrrr. 42 wks. is "over due"!! At least she took me seriously when I told her I had 32 day cycles & I ovulated around day 18. She adjusted my due date to Feb. 1st. By LMP it would of been Jan. 29th., so it still didn't give me much more time.

I had an u/s done. It was a boy!! I was so happy, baby Josiah!! At 34 wks I developed a itchy, burning rash on my abdomen & stretch marks. I did some research on my computer & came up with PUPPS. I saw a different OB who disagreed with that diagnoses. I had labs done on my liver & they came out fine. Never got an answer from the OB's.

Josiah started kicking me really hard around wk. 37. It was so painful, I would cry out & hold my right side, feeling as if his foot was going to go through my uterus! It was so bad I almost scheduled a repeat. But I wanted my vba2c too much. I dealt with the pain as best as I could.

My OB wanted me to schedule an u/s at 40 wks. Big baby talk. I humored her although I don't believe in such nonsense. I had a NST done at my 40 wk. appointment. It irritated me that the Dr.'s were acting as if I was over due. Liability reasons, I'm sure. I had a VE done. Mistake!! It hurt so bad. I lost my plug the next day. Just like with Julian! I have a VE, the OB messes with my cervix too much!! I was mad that it didn't come out naturally.

I was having sporadic contractions, so I knew my body was getting ready. My u/s was that same day, I chugged down 24oz. of v-8 splash (oh sooo fun) an hr. before my appointment. The u/s tech said, "Hmmmm, there's no fluid" "No fluid?!" I exclaimed. "Yea, I see that a lot, really common, it's anhydramnios". She was very nonchalant about it. She had the high risk Dr. come in the room to confirm it. They couldn't find one measurable pocket of fluid!

Next thing I know I'm on the phone with one of the OB's from the office that I didn't care for (the one who did my VE ). I was in tears & in shock at the same time.

I remember hearing that the baby needs to come out now because of the possibility of cord compression. "I can't be induced" I say. "I had two c/s." "Oh, well, you have no choice, come on in to the hospital for a c/s." She says, with a witchy attitude. I was devastated. But I was terrified even more. I was afraid Josiah would die before I got to the hospital. I never heard of having no fluid, low fluid, yea. I was thinking he might of had kidney or bladder problems, or a chromosomal abnormality, but other than the fluid, Josiah was healthy.

We dropped the kids off at my sister's house, & headed to the hospital. As soon as we walked up to the L&D nurses station, I started bawling. I couldn't hold it in. I was being cut for a THIRD time!! Why do I keep getting screwed?!

Two hrs. later I finally get my spinal. The anesthesiologist was awesome. He got it right in one try. He was very fast. They started cutting & I could feel it on my right side. They tilted the table to numb up that side better & it worked! It was still horribly uncomfortable though. I ask for nitrous oxide & they obliged, thankfully. Praise Jesus for that stuff!! I wouldn't of been able to handle the surgery without it, & again would have to be put under.

I started to go to sleep & Dave said, "Don't fall asleep, Josiah is almost here." He knew how badly I wanted to stay awake for this one. I missed Julian's & Corinne's birth. "I see hair!" I heard. Then the most precious sound I ever heard, my baby's cry! "Let me see him! Let me see him!" I cry out. They held him up briefly, again, all I saw was a blur. It seemed like forever before they handed him to Dave, who immediately brought him close to me. I put my arm around Josiah & kissed him. This was by far the best c/s. I had. Although it still sucked not having my vba2c, I at least held my son as soon as he was born, & I stayed awake for the whole surgery. The nurse anesthesiologist took a beautiful picture of me & Josiah looking into each other's eye's, right after he was born. God bless that Woman.

The hospital stay was horrible. They wouldn't give me any other pain meds except Toradol for the first 24 hrs, which didn't work that great for me. I also couldn't sleep, & if I don't sleep, it really affects me bad…I started hallucinating & getting anxious. Finally I was given different pain meds & a sleeping pill. But it took a good couple days to mentally feel like myself again.

The nurses where saying Josiah wasn't getting enough milk, & kept bugging me to give him a bottle. I never had this problem with my baby crying so much, so I thought maybe they were right. One nurse told my husband to keep Josiah quiet. I yelled at her. UGH!! NEVER again will I give birth in a hospital!!! So I did end up supplementing in the hospital. Nursing wasn't successful. I did throw away all the darn free samples when we got home, but 4 weeks after his birth, I gave up. My nipples were bright pink & felt like they were on fire. My OB was no help. I wish I would of thought of LLL. My heart aches now that I can't nurse my baby.

I learned so much after Josiah was born. I read more books. I did more research on the computer. I spoke with women who had a homebirth after three cesareans, because I now feel with all my being, that birth is a normal, miraculous event, & when Dr.'s get involved in it, there is a VERY good chance they will mess it up.

This culture is so BRAINWASHED into thinking that your supposed to give birth in a hospital where it is safest. What a joke! It's sad that I had to go through all of this to see the truth of how messed up childbirth is in this country. It's absolutely surreal.

I'm still not sure if my third cesarean was necessary. Most likely I had PROM (premature rupture of membranes) & didn't know it. Maybe that's why it was hurting so bad when Josiah kicked, my cushion of amniotic fluid was low/gone. I'm still confused on what the difference is of PROM with low or no fluid, & women's water breaking in labor. Why don't Dr's freak out over cord compression with the latter? Was it because I had NO fluid, no measurable pockets on my ultrasound, that made cord compression a real possibility?

I did heal really well after. Physically, that is. My heart still yearns for a normal birth, something that has been robbed of me three times. I now mourn the loss of three births. But I rejoice in the three beautiful blessings that my Lord Jesus Christ has given me. And to Him, I am eternally thankful.

Jackie Mommy to… Julian 8/3/96 CPD Corinne 2/12/99 ERCS Josiah 2/3/04 Anhydramnios HBA3C in the future…

My attempted HBA3C: The birth story of Jadon Elijah. Short version; Went into labor Thursday night, October 6th 2005 at 11:00 PM. Friday morning started to experience horrible back pain with contractions. According to midwife, was in active labor (about 3 cm) at 4:00 PM that afternoon.

Right after midnight on Saturday, I decided I couldn't take the pain anymore. I transported to the hospital at about 6 cm. After trying all night & getting to 9cm, OB said time for a cesarean. Jadon was born by cesarean at 10:55 AM, October 8th, 2005. Long version; I haven't got to it yet.....if had proper support....I would of BIRTHED my fourth child!

Please don't say, "Hey! You have a healthy baby!" Read here:

To learn more, visit the International Cesarean Awareness Network web site at: