Today is the last day of cesarean awareness month, so I thought I would post the story of the arrival of my baby boy, Jadon. I call him my sunshine, because I fell into a deep depression after his birth, but his smile always lit up the dark valleys that I walked through for more than a year after his "birth". I use the word birth in quotation marks, because, even though he was born, I did not birth my child. Birth is also a verb. I didn’t do anything to bring my child into this world, but laid like a frog being dissected as the scalpel cut, as they cauterized my insides, with the horrible smell of burning flesh wafting through the air. Using the term "birth" is a hot topic among women who had cesareans. Some are OK with using it. I’m not. Cesareans are not just another way to give birth…it is major abdominal surgery that poses a 3x risk of maternal & infant mortality than vaginal birth. It also contributes to post-partum depression, unsuccessful breastfeeding, & a host of other complications to the mother & infant.

So with out further ado, Here it is.

ETA: 9-10-07 I have been feeling convicted of the strong language I used in talking about my MW in this story. I had a lot of fierce anger in me, but reading this now, I feel as if I was bashing, & being juvenile. I still don't totally agree with my MW about my "birth", & I still hurt how it all turned out...but she doesn't deserve to be spoken about like that. I know she honestly believed she was trying to help me achieve my dream. We just didn't agree.
My attempted HBA3C: The birth story of Jadon Elijah. Short version; Went into labor Thursday night, October 6th at 11:00 PM. Friday morning started to experience horrible back pain with contractions. According to MW, was in active labor (about 3 cm) at 4:00 PM that afternoon. Right after midnight on Saturday, I decided I couldn't take the pain anymore. I transported to the hospital at about 6 cm. After trying all night & getting to 9cm, OB said time for a cesarean. Jadon was born by cesarean at 10:55 AM, October 8th, 2005. Long version: I can't believe it took me this long to write my story. I started to write this Oct 19th, 2005…..but couldn't get into all the details. It just hurt so much. My dream of actually giving birth was so close….but, only God knows why….it wasn't meant to be. Finally, the raw emotion is gone….the white hot anger….the deep sadness….weight of regret, & the whys are not so strong anymore. I have gone through a lot to get to where I am today. I'm weaning off all of my medications, I had unbelievable love & support from my ICAN sisters. It's time to tell the story, & leave it behind me. It doesn't mean that I will never think about it, or that I won't cry over my shattered dreams. The hard part is over. I'm moving on, & looking forward to my life with my dear husband & four awesome kids. So, it is spring time. April 20th 2007 to be exact. I love the spring time….gives me such a strong sense of renewal & healing….& hope. Ironically, I'm supposed to be at the ICAN conference right now…but I was sick as a dog. I know weaning off my meds had a lot to do with it. I really wish I was there. Well, I better get to this story. I remember when the first twinge of pain hit, that signaled to me that it was the beginning of labor. I lost my plug a few days back…which was actually very exciting for me, as you may recall in my three cesareans story, the last two times I lost my plug was because some damn OB had their fingers where they don't belong. When I lost my plug, I started crying & thanking Jesus. My body was doing what it was meant to do…without "help" from the medpros. So anyway, the first twinge of pain hit me at the grocery store while shopping with Dave. I was 42 wks (second time to go that long!) & we wanted to stock up, since I knew labor would start any day. I remember thinking when that very small contraction hit, "Ow! That frickin' hurt! I thought labor was supposed to come on more slowly!". I was so excited about this birth. It would be my 1st time trying for a homebirth. In the beginning of the pregnancy, I emailed at least a half a dozen midwives in my area with basic questions….such as, "Would you attend a homebirth after three cesareans?" "What are your thoughts on a woman having too small of a pelvis & being cut for CPD?" And, "Do you mind if the woman goes to 42 wks?" I narrowed down the midwives from the answers I received & I interviewed two in person & one on the phone with more detailed questions. I choose the midwife who sounded so hands off, & she sounded like she really had faith in the woman's body to be able to do what it does naturally….BIRTH. Throughout all my prenatals, there was never a red flag that maybe this wasn't the midwife for me. She said all the right things. When I asked "What if" questions, her answers always put my mind at ease. Dave, & I picked up fast food on the way home from the store. I think it was about 20 minutes or so, another contraction hit. I had a feeling this was it. I emailed my friend who I wanted to be there for my homebirth later on that night, I think about 11:00 pm. I told her I was in labor….it hurt right off the bat….no milder contractions leading up to the more hard ones….it was BAM in your face ow that hurt like a MF'er!! J I don't remember what I told her, probably that I would let her know when I needed her. I couldn't get to sleep, the contractions hurt bad when I tried to lay down….there was no way. Again, I don't remember what I did most of the night…I know I woke up Dave about 4:00 am to get the shower curtain on the bed….I thought it was going to be soon. By dawn, the contractions were about 4 minutes apart, & I started having excruciating back pain with the contractions. We called the midwife about 6:00 am….I remember kneeling by the couch & crying after a contraction….I was saying this hurts…I want this to end!!! I thought I was in transition. Things are a bit fuzzy, but the apprentice midwife came by about 10:00 am & she checked me. I don't think I was even 2 cm dilated. I wasn't surprised….just remember thinking…crap….I've been working so hard just to be a two?? I knew my baby wasn't in the prime left occiput anterior position. I palpated my belly so much, & got to know my baby…he (I didn't know if the baby was a he or she until he was born) was in the right occiput posterior position when labor started. So, that gave me some understanding of what was going on with my labor….I knew he had to do a lot of turning to get LOA. The majority of the time, Dave, apprentice & I would sit in the living room & chat….between contractions that is. A contraction would hit (about every 3-4 minutes) & I would lift my butt up off the couch, arch my back, & yell, "My back! God!! My back!". That seem to go on for hours..actually it did. I fell asleep between contractions. The apprentice was over for "support". She sat in my rocking chair the majority of the time, & half-assed rubbed my back during one contraction. I wanted her to leave….but, I'm just too nice, I guess. I think my midwife showed up later that afternoon. I labored in the aqua doula which was really nice. I had my computer room all set up for my birth….affirmations on the wall, Christmas lights strung up…candles..screen saver on my computer with pretty scenery pics. It was awesome. The next thing I remember, about 18 hours or so into my labor, my midwife says I was just a "4", & my cervix was posterior. She said she wanted to hold it forward so that the baby's head would apply the right pressure on it to get it to dilate, & hopefully get the cervix up & over the baby's head. In my misery, I said, "OK". What follows is the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life. She would hold my cervix forward during a contraction…me laying flat on my back. She had me push a few times to get the baby's head past the cervix….I complied being that I was in labor land, & not thinking clearly…It was next to impossible to push…I couldn't get on top of the pain in order to do it. My body was not ready to push, but my MW insisted that I do so, other wise my body would not be able to birth this baby. I think it was about 4 hours in the torture chamber. I screamed bloody murder….my midwife was helping me with her tricks, & I felt like I was going to die from the pain. She suggested that I lie on my right side to get my posterior cervix to move anterior. I tried, & I couldn't hold that position….my body would thrash uncontrollably from the pain. My midwife laid on me during one contraction to keep me from moving….I screamed into the mattress….I couldn't escape the pain. I'm still surprised my neighbors didn't call the cops. We even tried the cervix pulling on the birth stool. My vaginal opening hurt so bad….I said enough. I'm going to take a bath, just leave me alone. The midwife asked Dave in the hallway, "Is she always this stubborn?". Dave came into the bathroom, & tried to convince me to let the midwife do what she needs to do….since, my body wasn't working "normally" & it obviously needed help. I decided to transport to the hospital. First, I had Dave call my friend. He left a message, & I hoped she would get it…she did eventually….& got over to my house about an hour after I transported. What if, what if what if……. I got out of the tub, & someone got McDonald's. (nice, healthy snack for a laboring Mama!) It was nice not having anyone bug me about my cervix & how something needs to be done….I sat there & ate my chicken nuggets….& during a contraction, I would lift my butt again & make all kinds of racket. My midwife suggested that she checked me again. She said I was swollen, & that she has to pull the cervix forward or the baby won't come. She would not let me labor in peace!!!! I have read so many birth stories….the majority of the homebirth stories described how awesome, kind, gentle, & PATIENT their midwives were….even after many hours of labor….I got a midwife that I did not want, & I didn't know what to do. So, we went to the hospital. After laboring for approximately 24 hours at home, I had enough. I know I could of have gone on longer, if I had better support….but my husband don't know jack shit, & he ends up trusting the midwife, instead of me. I wasn't ready to give up my VBAC dream yet. I told the hospital staff that I had only one cesarean. I wanted pain meds as soon as possible though. The OB on call checks me & says "That the baby is posterior!". When she finds out that I was attempting a homebirth, she rudely exclaims, "You had no prenatal care!". Give me a flipping break. Come in. Piss in a cup, Dip stick in cup. Get weighed. Have blood pressure read. Get naked, have 'em stick their fingers up your vagina, be told that you can't have a vaginal birth because of xyz….told to take crap prenatal pill…yep….that's prenatal care. Sadly, that's the truth. That's not care. That's insanity. New acronym that I got from my ICAN support list: OB/GYN = Oh Boy Got You Naked. Ain't that the truth!! So anyways, the bitch OB says I can't have pain meds until I consent to pitocin. Oh my word…I don't want to delve to deeply into that one… I know what she did was unethical. I prayed in the bathroom. Pitocin with THREE cesareans??? I was so conflicted….I wanted my VBAC bad…but the pitocin scared me….I wanted the pain meds bad….I was sick of having a lightning bolt striking my sacrum!!!! I finally said to myself, I'm not getting an epidural….I will definitely feel it if I rupture….this Dr. would slice & dice me in a minute if I asked her to…so I consented to the pitocin. I must of labored for about four hours before I was given anything. The Rn's were so wonderful though, & treated me like any other laboring Mom. One provided a birth ball, & a bean bag to lean over on the bed with , to get my baby to flip to anterior. I was finally given nubain, & it knocked me on my butt. I couldn't believe how well it took care of the pain. They ended up stopping the pitocin because it had no effect. I was given another shot of pain meds later on. In the Morning, I only had a lip of cervix left. Meconium was coming out of me, but baby was fine. The OB wanted to pull my cervix forward during pushes….I ended up peeing on her….ROTFLOL! She said it was good though, I was using the right muscles (roll eyes). I pushed a few times, & got baby to about a +1 station. After 36 hours of labor, & no real sleep, I had a fever, & the OB said it was time for a cesarean. I was in a fog, & tired of fighting. I consented to the surgical extraction of my fourth child. I was scared to death though. I begged them to please put me under. I couldn't explain that I had two inadequate anesthesia cesareans before. I don't know if it's Michigan anesthesiologists or what…..but I was numbed up OK….still not great….but I got nitrous oxide, even though it makes me paranoid. I guess spinals & epidurals just don't work that great on me. I was surprised how fast the OB was getting my baby out. I thought it would take a lot longer for her to get through all the scar tissue….and there was a lot, but she was fast. My baby came out, & the first thing I asked is if it was a boy. It was! He was COVERED in meconium. I'm ashamed to admit that I allowed (as if they asked permission before they did it) these idiots to intravenously give him antibiotics. My poor baby smelled like a penicillin pill. I started giving him probiotics at 3 months old when he developed severe eczema. I have no doubt that those antibiotics compromised his immune system & caused his eczema to be so bad. Yes, part of it's genetic, asthma & allergies run in my family, but, I also blame the damn hospital & their protocols. I guess it's to be expected that I would have at least one confrontation with a nurse since I wasn't a sheeple. She said she needed to take Jadon for some tests. I asked, "what tests?" She says, "Oh, just common ones". "WHAT TESTS?" I ask, raising my voice. Man, did she look pissed. "PKU", she spat. "OK,….fine you can do that." I told her. There is really no way to know for sure if they respected my wishes about not giving him the Hep B shot. The only way to be absolutely certain that these people don't stick unnecessary needles into your baby is to have a homebirth, & that was ripped from me. I just remembered another confrontation. One RN said I couldn't have any other pain meds except tylenol…something about the Dr.'s order being expired or something, don't remember, don't really care. She was adamant that I couldn't be sent home with something stronger. My hubby spoke to the head nurse & got the prescription….but my God. I pity the poor soul who takes this bullshit from this idiot nurse. I pity ALL souls who take all the bullshit in the medical field period. I was sent home. Midwife came by with food & explained her theory as to why I didn't dilate correctly. She said she thinks there was scar tissue on my uterus preventing the contractions to pull the cervix forward. Although she taught me how a posterior cervix moves forward, & what it looks like using a doll & a sweater….I don't buy her theory. I have never seen it mentioned in medical literature, & you would think if scarred uteri prevented dilation, that would just be another scare tactic that Dr.'s would use against VBAC mamas. "Oh no!" Says the almighty, omniscient OB, "You can't have a vaginal birth! It's too risky! Besides, your scarred belly won't let you dilate to push the baby out! You silly little patient you!! Your pelvis is small anyway….you want to kill your baby? Just schedule a cesarean, it's safer for you, & safer for your baby! You can pick the baby's birthday too! Isn't that nice? Hmmm? You won't have to go through all the PAIN of a vaginal birth too….& hubby still has a nice tight twat…hehe…now, get up on this table & lets see how your baby is….spread your legs & open wide!….wow….good thing I checked! You couldn't push a 1 lb baby through there! What's your shoe size? Never mind, doesn't matter…lets schedule the cesarean around 38 weeks….you don't want to go past 40 wks, your placenta turns to stone after that….you want a healthy baby right? OK, get dressed. You spilled some sugar in your urine, so you are diabetic, your baby would of gotten huge! At least 7 lbs!!!! And your blood pressure is high, so you have preeclampsia…remember NO SALT. Whew, aren't you glad you are just scheduling? You guys would DIE without my infinite knowledge! Have a good day…come back next week so we can do this all over again, OK? You are such a good patient!" Ugh. Were was I? Oh, my midwife & her theory. Anyway, I have spoken to my midwife by email quite a few times since. She was certain there were no malpositioning problems. I recently stopped the emails because there was no point. She honestly believed that my long labor was "not normal" & that she wasn't badgering me about my cervix. One thing that I found interesting was when I mentioned to her about her calling me stubborn. She apologized, & said she really doesn't remember that, but perhaps she was frustrated. I asked her, "Why would you be frustrated?" She said she would not answer that one. It kinda got ugly between us. I really wish things turned out better. Sigh. I'm sick of writing this. Today is the 22nd ….I have been working on this when I can, but, I'm done for now. I really tried to offer her an olive branch, & tried to get some closure, but, no. It's all my fault, & if I would of done what I was told, & if I REALLY wanted that VBAC, then I would of buckled down & had my birth. That hurts. I might add more to this story. But I'm glad I finally got this down. I can move on. Jackie, Mom to: Julian 10 c/s CPD Corinne 8 c/s ERC for trusting that doc knows best Josiah 3 c/s Planned VBA2C w/OB. Anhydramnios/dead baby card @ 41 wks Jadon 1 c/s HBA3C dream shattered. Still trying to pick up the pieces.