A while ago, I tried embedding a montage about an amazing birth from someone on an email list I‘m on. I guess the OFC blogs don’t support videos anymore, that’s too bad.

So anyway, I was trying out a new toolbar tonight & I came across the video again. I figured I would at least post the link, because this montage is absolutely beautiful. Enjoy

Our Journey to Homebirth

I thought this picture was adorable, even though Jesus wasn’t Caucasian! LOL. The meaning of pure in this scripture is having a right attitude or motive. I know I have read this in the past to mean no sin, holiness. A typical legalistic way of reading it. That I wasn’t worthy of seeing God. Right now, my attitude stinks. Or is it my mood? One thing I always think of when I blog here, is, “What are people going to think?” It’s usually not about Clay, but, there are so many bloggers here that already do really well of writing everything Clay. I really don’t have much to say when it comes to him. I love his singing. I love his humor. I love his good deeds. I love how he treats children. I love how he told that NEWSWEEK reporter to shut up. I never came across a rule that says I have to blog about Clay all the time, so I will blog what is on my mind, & about my interests in life. That is, when I can. The only reason I have peace to write some now is because my toddlers are coloring on their bedroom walls with a washable marker. Normally, I would step in, but I’m exhausted. Absolutely burned out. If I weren’t blogging right now, I would be crying. That’s where the attitude comes in…I feel like life is kicking my butt so hard right now, & I just don’t have any more energy to fight. I’m probably really PMS’ing right now, but it still hurts.

You know what I wish?

I wish I had lots of energy.

I didn’t have insomnia

We ate all organic, healthy food. Way too expensive though.

I had an optimistic attitude.

An awesome church to go to.

A like minded best friend who lived close by….notice I said friend. Just one. One I can call & say, “Mind if the boys & me come over for a bit? I really need some company & get out of the house.” We could talk about our hubbies, & how stupid they are sometimes (even though we love them very much & they love us). We would talk about Clay, & plan a roadtrip together. We would talk about our kids, & wonder if we are raising them right. We could do some online shopping together, & pick out awesome fabrics to sew baby slings & cloth diapers. Talk about our faith, & wonder why God seems so far away when we need him most. We would also discuss our pregnancies, & how our births went. She wouldn’t belittle my feelings….she would understand, because she had a cesarean section too, & it also caused emotional pain.

We would talk about ourselves. Ask, do you think I’m crazy? Is this normal to feel like this? We would build each other up….knowing we weren’t alone….like some dorky loner in Jr high school. We would talk about what it is like being a stay at home Mom, & be thankful we have a social life, despite our tendencies to be shy & unsure of ourselves.

Sure, I get a lot of wonderful support from online friends. Nothing beats in real life companionship though.

So, continuing on my wish list.

A bigger house in a warmer climate

That my Dad was still alive

That I could have one, just one vaginal birth. Or that I didn’t care about how my babies came into the world.

That I was happy more. Don’t know how to get there. Tried the pills. They didn’t work.

That I had lots more confidence . Why do people end up with such crap in their heads anyways??? It’s the nature vs. nurture thing again. I’m highly sensitive, I was bullied, abused, & my Mom didn’t talk to me. She loved me & all that, but she has her own issues….but it sure screwed up my self-esteem.

That counseling actually worked. I have talked to quite a few professionals. Warning, if you say you have mood swings, they’ll slap the bipolar label on you. I learned that I can’t expect them to really have a good understanding of my life. I guess I just need to hear, “It’s OK, you’re OK. You are normal” Something I didn’t have growing up….I was a loner most of my school days. Heck, maybe I even have aspergers. My son has it. Who knows, but I feel like an outcast most days. A person on the outside, looking in…
That I wasn’t so gosh darn sensitive.

That someone would tell me to shut up & end this blog already!

One more wish. That my hubby wasn’t such a PITA. You think some people on the board are annoying, dang…come spend some time here, & you’ll run screaming from my husband’s whining & complaining, & just plain idiotic crap., I blog, & that’s it. He comes home from work & whines like a baby , & hides from the family while taking a bath….and then says ”I’m going to bed’. Everyday. It’s so predictable.

Man, sorry for the major vent. Why I’m doing it here, I have no clue. This is the only blog I have, it would be a sorry ass blog compared to all the others on the web that are so eloquent. Clever, & brilliant. I thought, what the hell….the OFC has some major wacko’s in it…I have nothing to worry about spewing my negative energy, LOL. Hey, it’s cathartic to journal, sorry you had to endure it though…ha-ha!

Thanks for reading if you got this far, & can you do me a favor? Leave a comment, even just to say, we all have days (or weeks or years) like this. A comforting word, even from a stranger helps when you are feeling down.