Saturday Night Live, Weekend Update.

It begins with the current story.

(quick shot of an article from some sleazy rag)

Amy says, "Last week (sleazy rag) reported that Clay Aiken trolls for fags on the internet, and that he took sexual advantage of an ex-ranger in a seedy motel in Garner, NC in January."

Tina Faye, "Here's Clay Aiken, to respond to these charges. Clay, you've seen the articles, heard the reports. Clay, did you do this? Are you gay?"

Clay comes in wearing his bucket hat, a polo shirt, and cargo pants. No makeup. To be polite he removes his hat, to reveal regular-guy Clay hair. He looks about 10.

Clay, "No, Tina Faye, I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay."

(Clip of the press conference after the anomaly when the reporter for ? publication asked the question and Clay refused to answer)

(Quick slide of Rolling Stone interview, text read)

Tina Faye, "Clay, in July 2003 you told Rolling Stone you are not gay. It's been two and half years since then. Are you gay yet?"

Clay, "No Tina Faye, I'm still not gay."

(brief clip of Primetime/Sawyer)

Tina Faye, "Clay, in November 2003, although you shook your head, "no," to Diane when she asked, "Are you gay, " you did not say the words, 'I am not gay.' Clay, everybody knows you are gay; you just haven't admitted it to yourself. Are you gay yet?"

Clay, "No, Tina Faye, I'm still not gay."

Amy, "You have a friend who is a gay man. Clay, surely by now it has dawned on you that you too are gay."

Clay, "NO."

Amy, "Conan O'Brien has told a gay joke about you every night for three years now. We all know that Conan wouldn't tell gay jokes about you if you weren't gay. Come on, tell us. Are you gay yet?"

Clay, "NO."

Amy, "Page 666 reported in 2005 that you did not have your picture taken on a red carpet with a single hot babe. People magazine carries no pictures of you dating, only pictures of you working for UNICEF.

(show Uganda shots)

Amy, "Clay, celebrities date and get their pictures taken for magazines and TV. That's what they do. You don't. You must be gay. Clay, are you gay yet?"

Clay, "No."

(picture of Clay at Larry King event in pansy shirt)

Tina Faye, "Clay, this has to be a secret message. Surely you wore this shirt to say to the world, 'I am gay'. It's 2006 now. People have been waiting for three years. Are you gay yet?"

Clay, "No, Tina Faye, I'm still not gay."

Amy, "Clay, filthtogo.com says you've been hooking up with guys on the Internet since 2003. It must be true, it was on the Internet. Tell us, you're gay aren't you? Are you gay yet?"

Clay, "No, Amy, I'm not, I'm not gay."

Tina Faye, "I hear that for three years now the National Enquirer has been offering a million dollars to anyone who can obtain a picture of you being gay. Mr. Aiken, the Enquirer says your cousin says that his best friend talked to a guy in a bar who said that you were video-taped having sex with six men in a public bath house in San Francisco. Half a dozen of your middle-aged housewife fans were there video taping - and although no tape has surfaced I'm sure it is just a matter of time. Are you gay yet?"

Clay, "No, Tina Faye, I'm still not gay."

Skit ends with Tina Faye and Amy repeating over one another, "Are you sure you're not gay?" and Clay shaking his head and gesturing.

The key to this is Clay's expressions. His reponse is carried not by his words, but completely by his body language. I couldn't begin to write for the master, but I can see the possibilities in my head. I picture him as very natural and low key, not even particularly perturbed, but a bit exasperated, and cute, very cute.