Merry Christmas! Been a long time.....a long time!

I had a wonderful summer...seeing Clay in Houston, Tulsa, and Kayla and I were blessed to be able to go see him in California...by the very kind and generous hearts of Clay friends. It is an amazing fandom...I got to meet some friends I have known only online for a long long time! One very special lady is a survivor as I am...but her battle continues each and every day. The highlight was being able to actually hug her and cry with her!!!

This fall/winter has been tough. Since leaving my job to stay home with Jamie things have been one struggle after another. The husband is not happy, I get the brunt of that. Does he not realize how hard it is to lose your identity in a way? How does he think it feels like to have an income, be a contributor to not only the financial part of home, but to the outside world too..and then, to not have either. It has been so hard on me. So hard. I have no choice. I am Jamie's mom. He is my son...that unconditional love will always be there. It is important now to help him learn to be independent for the day will come I will not be here. I want him to have his own place, be able to be successful in this tough world!

Fall has been busy. Daniel started his last year of high school, still has the same girlfriend. Kayla is super busy as always. Chris is still in school, trying to finish his program...fixing computers.....

Our cat got sick. He suddenly quit eating....lost a lot of weight...I knew things were not good. I had to take him to the vet...knowing very well I would not bring him home again...I was right, she called, he had end stage kidney failure...he was only 10. Tom stopped after work to be with him. It has been very difficult. Kayla had him since she was 5 and he slept with her every night. We miss him a lot...still look for him. Last night I was looking for a pic off our memory card...and there was the last pics we ever took of him, curled up sleeping on his pillow...my heart surely hurts.

We have been doing WFI again this year. 13 days....11 hours a day. Wow, a lot of presents wrapped! We did very well. Many people gave more after hearing about the mission of the foundation. One young mother came up to us, said she had a dilemna. She normally went north to her moms to wrap all her presents. But the weather was dangerous and she didnt want to take her kids, could she bring them to us to wrap? I said OF COURSE..she said..you are my Christmas miracle! aw....so she got them...ended up two flatbeds full! BUT she jumped in and helped us wrap others too as we were busy...we talked a lot, seems she has a young son with a disability so we had a lot in common. She also volunteered to help next year!! By the end of yesterday I was beat!! Our last customer stepped away for a moment and when he came back, he had gift certificates for each of us to the pretzel shop...thought we could use them that we had worked hard. It made me smile! Christmas to me anymore, is my time helping others by wrapping for inclusion!

Before I forget, My mom is in the hospital this Christmas day...has been for over two weeks. She is very sick and nearly died. she seems to make small improvements, then like today, does not feel good again. The dr does 'not know' when asked for a prognosis. I worry about her every day!

I wrote a story for Clay...you didnt hear it. it was not one of the few picked. It was about how as a child I had wonderful christmas's with my relatives on my mom's side. It was one day I looked forward to each year. My stepfather made life tough. Even after I was grown. We still went to my mom's after my grandma died... for a little bit. For you see my stepfather did not treat Jamie well, and if my choice was going to my mom's spending Christmas with my siblings but having Jamie treated so badly, or staying home with just us , well there was no choice.
I told of not having my dad to spend Christmas with and how much that left such a void in my life. One Christmas Eve as we were here alone, we got to talking about him. On our tree is a lighted star..that stays lit. But at that moment, when we talked about my dad....it suddenly started blinking. It made me feel like although my dad was long gone, he was still very much around us, and he had let us know that by the blinking star....

So now its Christmas day. Just another day in my house. I am trying to smile, be happy, but the tears are winning. My husband, got me nothing. Which is okay, my kids did...including one Dreaming Angel...to protect my dreams and wishes...that is very special. I just thought for once, on one day of the year, he might think of me. A hug, a Merry Christmas, an I love you....anything, to know I am still important to him. The material things, I do not care about...

Christmas, wow, it can be such a wonderful day of love and family and it can be such a day of loneliness and heartache.

I wish for you of course, the first. I hope you are enjoying the day with the ones you love..and that you feel loved....

Merry Christmas, With Love!

P.S. Well got to talking to my sister....they were going to just go to a restaurant today....I talked her into coming here. It made the house a little more like Christmas...we had plenty for them. It was very nice. AND...I got the bonus of feeding,holding, cuddling my 6 week old miracle nephew!!! (For those of you who dont know the story.....he is her only birth child....conceived after 22 years of marriage. After being told there was no way she would ever have children. So this year, at age 42, she wasnt feeling well...for a long while. thought something was seriously wrong...She called me up sobbing...she was 23 weeks pregnant. omg....talk about shock. What a miracle. He arrived on Nov 9th....and was was perfect. What a wonderful beautiful baby boy he is. What a true miracle!)