I thought a lot about last night and in a sense it really was a case of "don't shoot the messenger".

Nicole had nothing to do with it. Jessie had nothing to do with it.

I think it's Matt and Emma that have the problems. Matt, I really wouldn't know why but Emma is a different case.

I noticed it really started last summer. She and Jessie would be hanging out a lot, like every other day or so.. and I would find out only in her online journal afterwards. They'd go out, see movies, get ice cream at the new Cold Stone, etc... never ask me if I wanted to go. I kept in regular contact with them though, but they'd never tell me their plans.

I first started feeling unappreciated as a friend over the summer, in August just before the fall semester was going to start. There's something weird with the electric circuits in our neighborhood so electric is prone to off frequently in the spring and summer. It was one of those days and Clay was going to be on ET, one of the ATDW promotion shoot videos again... well the show's airtime was coming in close and I wasn't having the greatest of days and I had to see Clay cause I knew it would probably cheer me up. My laptop's battery was just about dead when I had the idea to call Emma up and ask if I could go over to her place and watch. She said that was fine but she seemed apprehensive. I got there and I dunno..things felt different. She told me she had plans that evening with Jessie and I understood she didn't want to break them. She was supposed to be there after 8pm sometime. After ET was over I was happier and Emma called Jessie to see if it was okay that I was at her house and if she minded if I hung out with them. Jessie never minds, I already know that.

Now, Jessie's mom also was going through a really bad time. She was re-diagnosed with breast cancer earlier in the summer and I understand that Emma really wanted to be there for her. I did too. So when I saw Jessie that night she seemed pretty okay. I've been through the whole my-best-friend's-mom-has-cancer thing before so I knew even though she seemed okay... just that friends take your mind off things for a few hours.

Anyway, there weren't any real set plans for that evening, just hanging out, talking, maybe playing some video games or going out.... they decided they wanted Cold Stone. Incidentally, I didn't know there was a brand new Cold Stone in the area or where it was or anything but they had been there plenty of times before over the summer. Yeah. Neither of them ever told me about it or asked me if I ever wanted to go sometime. So we went and it was good and we had fun. Ended up kind of storming but no rain... just lightning and a little thunder, so we decided to go watch the lightning up from the school not far from Emma's house. We were there for about an hour then left.

I don't remember the rest of the night's plans but it ended up being a decent night hanging out.

Then came the school year.

It's understandable that in college you make new friends, but if you're still friends with those people from high school, you should still have time for them, right?

Emma made a ton of new friends, one of which being her roommate. So they hung out a lot. She met a bunch of cool people on her floor (all of whom I've met too and they are awesome, I should have been on that floor) and one of them even happened to be on her other friend's girlfriend. So they hung out a lot.

Twice during the semester I got ditched by her for other things. One I can't remember but I'm sure if I look back I could find it. The other I remember clearly... we were at the Starbucks across the street from school and I asked her what her free-est day was. I think it was a Tuesday... anyway she had never been to Krispy Kreme and there's one only 20 minutes from the school. Story behind that was I was gonna meet her and a few others I knew up there after a high school football game and ended up my car wouldn't start so I couldn't go. They went somewhere else instead.

So the day we were supposed to go I got hold of her and asked if her if we were still going. She said she forgot and had made other plans. Oh hmm right thanks. I felt great after that. After all what happened over the summer plus school... I just didn't get it. I still don't.

So now...over break. Still considered her one of my closest, best friends. She was going through a rough patch with her ex-boyfriend and she knew she could talk to me about it, but she only told me stuff in the beginning. Jessie knew all this stuff too, told me she was one of the first to find out. Emma told me that not even Jessie knew when I asked if she did. Anyway, Jessie went with her family on a cruise for Christmas. Her mom passed away from aforementioned breast cancer and the holidays at home would have been really rough. I've seen it when this happened before with another friend.

When I dropped by Jessie's yesterday she told me that Emma told her everything about what happened between her and her ex; I'm still in the dark. Most I know is that something bad happened but I don't know what and only because Jessie told me. I thought I was someone she could trust but I guess not if she's not telling me. So this is when I'm also invited to the new year's party and I accepted.

While Jessie was gone, Emma and Matt hung out a couple times. I'm gonna guess that maybe Emma didn't know about the party before but probably found out from Matt when they hung out. This could be why Emma didn't say anything to me because it wasn't her party to invite me to. Jessie inviting me is acceptable because Matt is her boyfriend and even Matt and I have a level of friendship.

But Emma's been making me wonder. 2 of her journal entries have made me curious. She did an anonymous opinion post where you take 10 people and say something to them anonymously. Majority of them were negative. I want to know which one I am, if I am any at all. It could be "I don't know you anymore", "Thank you, for everything" or even "I do miss hanging out with you, but I can only stand so much of you". Another post that had me wondering was where she said she had only 3 close friends. I want to know if I'm one anymore. I thought I was but it seems like with all the other things that I might not be. I have an idea, if I'm not one of them, of who the 3 could be. If I am one, I know who the other two are.

I want to talk to her but I'm afraid too. I lost 2 of my friends last year because of a damn boy and his stupidity, I'd hate to lose anymore, especially when I feel like I have barely any friends as it is.

*names changed for privacy