Right so... I haven't use this blog in quite a while. I haven't had a reason to. Normally I used it to let out frustrations that I don't want some of my friends reading.

Well it's happened again. I would write it in my other journal but after 4 1/2 years I still can't figure out filters and I never know if they'll work for me. So here I am again. Hello.

I originally had no plans for tonight, new year's. I was just gonna kinna sit home with my family and watch the ball drop and maybe talk my way into getting a real first full glass of wine out of it.

Well, last week I was hanging out with one of my friends and she happened to leave her bag of presents in my car. The next day she and her family went on a week-long cruise to the Caribbean so I was out of luck. Actually, I didn't even know she left her bag in the car till a few days after when I went out.

I talked to her last night and told her I could drop by her place today and give them to her, she said that was fine.

Got there this afternoon and we're talking and she asked if I had any plans for new years, if there were any parties I was gonna go to. I said no, I hadn't found any. So she invited me to her boyfriend's frat party and I accepted. I told her I should go home though and eat and watch that one last movie we rented and then get myself properly ready and she could call with further information. She was surprised one of my other friends who was going didn't tell me about it nor did she ask me. We talked a little more and I left.

7pm. 4 hours after I got back and I still hadn't heard from her so I tried calling her house. No answer. Tried her cell, she picked up. Then she told me everything. She said that her boyfriend told her that they wanted to keep the party low-key and not have a ton of people there. I asked if one person would make a difference? She said she asked that but he was set on saying no one else could go.

She said she was sorry several times... but they were all over my friend's who didn't tell me who KNEW about the whole damn thing probably before the cruise. This particular friend I've wondered about before. Twice during the school year she ditched me for other things.

So now I'm questioning my friends. All of them. Over the summer they excluded me, during the school year they excluded me, and now just when I thought "god finally someone comes through for me" I get ditched again and told I can't go. I'm usually left out of the loop too when it comes to certain things. I don't get it.

I dont know what do anymore. I want to come clean to them but at the same time I'm afraid I'd lose them as my friends and really... they're the closest friends I have. They're really the only friends I have... It's been difficult for me to make friends at college. This past semester I made a few but it's just different with them. I don't even have their phone numbers to talk to them. My Clay friends.... if you read this you know who you are.. and really you guys are my friends too but it's also different because it's not like I could just drive to your house any old time. Well... a few I could, but it would be a drive.

...

Happy fucking new year.