Clay's Blog

• I am going to see Spamalot.. but it wasn't first choice.. confused???

  02/09/08 2 Comments

  Ok, I will explain. I need to write this, cause, i just need to write my thoughts. If this gets too heavy, sorry to those who are trying to read through this. No obligation to read. Sometimes, I write as therapy.. helps me think, and get my thoughts out.. maybe odd to choose here, but it is kind of a follow up to a blog a while ago.

  A while ago, I posted, that my husband and I were going to try an do invitro to have a baby. Been trying to conceive for years.. have gone through many other types of treamtment. Nothing worked, except one pregnancy two years ago, that ended in miscarriage. I was about ready to just give up a few months ago. I was done with the same treatments we'd been doing. And, invitro was way out of our price range. Until our doctor gave us a major price cut. Was still steep, but we had figured out how to manage it.

  So, this was around the time Spamalot came about. Was first going. Then not, because we'd have been doing the Invitro. I was fine with that.. yes, I really wanted to go to NY, but, this was our last chance. I just turned 40, and I am running out of time. Well, when we finally started deciding we were going to do this. .and had pretty much settled a week ago.. I brought up to my husband, after all of these years, we really have not finalized any kind of idea of plans, on what we would do after a baby was here. Child care? How long? How can I stay home with our child for the longest amount of time possible.. along with other issues. We never had a plan. My husband is veyr bad about planning ahead. Where as, for me. .I am talking about our child. I need to have some kind of an idea, of what we are doing. And, I kept saying, I am not going though this very tough procedure, until I am happy with some kind of plan. My husband still wanted to do it all week, and was being kind of flexible, with how we could rearrange our work schedules, so that not all money went to child care, and still be ok, with cutting back as much as possible, etc.. and, then all of a sudden, yesterday, after talking to him mother. .he has now decided, maybe we're better off not doing this. Maybe a baby isn't right for us. With my husband, many more times then not.. al lhe thinks of is money. And, how NOT to spend it. We don't make that much money, so I understand to an extent.. but we are not strapped. I make a decent salary. We have some extra money away. But. .when it came down to it.. he had every excuse in the book why it would be too much for us in the long run. Well.. after almost nine years of really thinking, how much my husband wanted a baby, and we would come up with a solution.. it seems, it really isn't so important to him. I don't mean to trash my husband. .but I am soooooooooooo upset. I wanted to do this last procedure. I felt, we were given a gift with this price cut. And, now I feel we are just wastng it. And, if we went through it, and it stil ldidn't work.. at least i would know , we did everything possible. It would still be sad, but I could learn to live with, that is was God's will. But.. now I will never know. I have no closure. I will always wonder, what if. And, I am just so angry with my husband. And, I am hurt, and I feel so lied to and betrayed. I know I will come to terms with it. I have always been prepared to accept, I may never have a baby. I just feel my last chance, was taken away from me.

  So.. now I guess, I am going to go to Spamalot. Of course, I am happy to see boyfriend. I didn't want to go this way.. but, it is something to look forward to. Something to take my mind off of it all. Wow.. it seems Clay is always doing that for me in some way. He's been my peace for 5 years now.. the thing that gets me through some of these tough time. I first discovered him when I was going through my first round of simple infertility treatments. That was when he was on AI. Waiting to see him week aafter week, was the brightness of that time.

  So, as of now, I have a very heavy heart.. yet. .I think of seeing Clay in about a month and a half.. and it's the one thing that makes me smile right now.

  I wil stop here for now. Again, sorry, that this wasn't the upbeat, kind, warm blog, I usually have. Or most people here. I just needed to get this out. I did want to share the good part of going to see Clay, bu tI guess, I needed to deal with this other too. If you read this.. thank you for taking the time.

  I hope to see many of you in NY!

  Love, Robin

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