I would like to speak out about somethings about myself since no one doesn't know me that personal. Since Clay Aiken came out and said he was on paxil for panic and anxiety attacks. I want to speak out about what I have similiar to his situation. I have depression really bad and I also have sometimes panic and anxiety attacks mostly anxiety attacks more then panic attacks. I would like to also tell you how bad my depression is too. I tried to kill myself 3 times. I thought my life was ruined due to the fact that no one loved me no more and also when my dad left my life when I was 5. I know it sounds horrible, but I couldn't help that I did things like that. It wasn't for attention. I am sooo depressed just being lonely. It was like I just didn't want to live anymore. Now getting back to the panic and anxiety attacks. I was on medicine for my anxiety attacks, but that was about 3 years ago since I last took it. I think it was a bad idea to stop taking it. I did have a couple of attacks in my past that I would like to tell you all. I remember like it was yesterday. One of them was when I was 10 or 11 the first time I got one. I was lifeless in my mom's bed in pain. My mom tried calling my house phone to see if I was okay, but I couldn't budge to get the phone. So, my mom came home crying, and she rushed me to the hospital. I was in the hospital for a day til the found out that I had an anxiety attack. They gave me medicine for it, so now I have to go back on it because I can't control it no more. Another time I had an anxiety attack was when my mom got in a car accident 3 years ago. It broke my heart that she was hurt. I started to cry, but then I started to feel the pain again in my chest. It was another one of those painful anxiety attacks that I hate the most now. Another time was when my mom was in a diabetic colma when I got another anxiety attack. My sister upsetted my mom so much that she went into one. The ambulance rushed my mom to the hospital. I cried hyseterically and my step dad kept yelling at me my sister and her friend and it just made me have an anxiety attack that I had to take my medicine again. I do get panic attacks also. No,no I'm not copying Clay Aiken since he has those. I have one when I'm in a room of more then 30 people. I also have them when I'm doing a presentation for school. I almost passed out one time in 8th grade presentating a science projected. I just wanted to tell everybody how I feel now. But, right now I think my depression, panic attacks and anxiety attacks have gotten worse. So, now I have to go back on the medicine which I hate to do, but I need something to help me sooner or later before I do anything bad to myself. I hope ya'll understand me for who I am and not some crazy person that you are talking too. Well I have to go. If you have any questions for this blog you can im me at Nikkigurl0331989 on aim. OK bye.
Nikki #1 Northern NJ ClayMate
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